Avoiding Escalation

September 14, 2020

by: Paul Bishop MA, LPC/S - Director

When you find yourself in an argument over a difference of opinion or a conflict that seems to loop back to the same old place, it can be frustrating.  Not feeling understood, heard or appreciated can lead to escalating tension.  Trying to convince someone else or to control a conversation can cause escalation and each side begins to feed off of the other to create a louder and more volatile situation.  Here are three alternatives to escalation. 

1. Elaboration - while you have probably said plenty about your opinion by now, it may help to elaborate on your feelings.  What are you afraid of?  In what way are you feeling hurt or vulnerable? Are you sad or overwhelmed?  Elaborate without blaming or attacking the person.  

2. Elimination - some parts of the discussion need to be eliminated.  Name calling, discounting of emotions, curse words, and any other destructive words should be left out of the conversation entirely.  Ephesians 4:29 says “Don’t use foul or abusive language.”  Where you have already done so, take the time to apologize, despite how right you think you are in what else you may have said!

3. Elevation - take the conversation to a higher level.  What are the positive things you want for the relationship? What do you appreciate in the person’s perspective or at least in their intentions despite what is pouring out?  What can you agree on?  The rest of Ephesians 4:29 says “Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them!”

Next time you find yourself in an escalating conversation, ask yourself if there is something you could elaborate on in a different way, some words or attitude that needs elimination, and most importantly how can you elevate the conversation to something positive and supportive!