Creating a Culture of Appreciation, Admiration, and Gratitude
Claudia Graf
MA, LPC
June 2, 2024
We all go through times of being distracted, absent-minded, or even feeling negatively or resentful towards a loved one. Relationship expert John Gottman, the author of the book ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’, has found that it is not the big gestures that create successful relationships but rather lots of small things done often. He talks about creating a culture of appreciation and admiration by looking for positive qualities and catching your partner doing things right. Happy couples express their gratitude for things big and small, and in doing so, they create positive sentiment override. Positive thoughts lead to positive feelings and actions. Successful couples use what they know about each other to express that they care about their partner’s happiness while both feel more valued, respected, supported, and loved in the process – which is what we all long for.
It is a bit like a shared emotional love bank account. With every positive interaction, a couple deposits into their love bank and builds some goodwill for when they mess up, as we all do as humans (a withdrawal from the emotional love bank account). Gottman has found that deposits and withdrawals do not carry the same weight, but it takes five positive interactions to make up for one negative one. If a partner’s positive feelings outweigh the negative, they will likely overlook flaws and forgive mistakes. It’s not about keeping score but investing in the shared emotional bank account, creating a sense of ‘We’ over ‘Me.’
The Bible talks about our words having the power to build up, encourage, inspire, and give life or to tear down and discourage (Proverbs 12:18; 15:1-4; 16:24; 18:21; Ephesians 4:29; Colossians 4:6). Use your words today to express your appreciation towards a co-worker or family member and tell your partner what you like about them and that you love them. Other ways to show your gratitude toward a loved one could be through a warm hug, a passionate kiss, a cute note, an encouraging text, a surprise gift or date, doing their chores, asking them how their day was and listening carefully, validating their feelings or asking, ‘What can I do this week to make you feel more loved?’. Try it out, be authentic and generous in expressing your appreciation, admiration, and gratitude, and see what reactions you get and how it changes your own perspective.