Love: Is it a feeling or a choice?
February 16, 2021
by: Jason Hallman, MA, LPC, SRT
Love is in the air! This is a cliché on the minds of many individuals thanks to the recent celebration of Valentine’s Day. Flowers, cards, heart-shaped boxes of candy, candlelight dinners, and more are shared with those we care about to communicate feelings associated with love. Such activities fall into the dimension of courtship we call romance which can be defined as “the ability to experience, express, and receive passion” (Carnes, 2015). But now that Valentines Day has passed, I want to talk about the commitment dimension of courtship. Commitment is defined as “the ability to bond or attach” (Carnes, 2015). Commitment is understanding that the feeling of love varies and can be temperamental. It is realistic to assume that a partner cannot make an individual feel giddy and happy all the time. Trouble in relationships is inevitable and an individual’s capacity to maintain commitment despite the lack of the intoxicating feelings is paramount to healthy attachment. Such feelings are driven by the neurotransmitters released during the early stages of a romantic relationship (dopamine, oxytocin, etc.) Over time, the reduction of this neurochemical cocktail can lead an individual to think he/she is falling out of love with someone when the individual is shifting into the commitment phase of the relationship. People often mistake the lack of these giddy feelings as a problem when it is a natural progression. This is not to say that occasional giddiness will never return when the moment is right. It is simply to say that we cannot base our attachment on the romantic aspects of a relationship. This begs the question…is love a feeling or a choice? The answer is that love is a choice. However, the key to a successful relationship after romance has diminished is to understand that our partners are choosing to be with us. Therefore, one must understand his/her boundaries and needs and choose to love them for who God made them to be and not attempt to change them. When this dynamic is displayed by both parties in a relationship, we have a healthy foundation for an enduring commitment.